I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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