then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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