Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
