Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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