Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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