One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
