she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
