I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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