If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
