so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
