im six kinds of drunk right now
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
