My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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