who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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