My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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