all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
