thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
