I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
