everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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