he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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