Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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