Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
