I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
