I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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