All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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