I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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