I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
