Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
