Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
last night I used snow as a chaser
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