I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
