Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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