You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
