Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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