the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize