mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
