last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
