Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
