Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
