toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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