so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
