i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
