his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
