Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
