Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
