What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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