first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize