I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
