I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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