I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
