sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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