Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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