Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
