my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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