I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
