my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
