I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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