I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
