i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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