I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
