You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
