i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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