I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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