I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
