He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
