Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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