Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
