Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
