dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
