Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
