I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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